By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
