went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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