I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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