The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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