My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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