My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
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Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
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I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
my nose is crying tears of wow.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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