Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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