You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
