There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
