At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
