3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
