Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
