just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
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Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
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We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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