So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
