woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
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ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
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That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
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