so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
