According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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