Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
