so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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