8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
