And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
