can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
