That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
