Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
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So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
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So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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