Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
