Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
