I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Randomize
