I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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