The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
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Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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