Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
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If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
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I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
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