i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Drake has all the answers
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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