Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I have already put on my inside pants.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
