like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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