Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
