The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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