I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
