I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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