adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
