Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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