This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Mom said you looked used
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
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