Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
