Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
