Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
