Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
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