my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
