after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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