its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
