The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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