Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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