So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
