The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
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Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
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but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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