You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
