There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
