Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
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