I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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