I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
