Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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