I like my sex mixed with concussions.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
