my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
there is puke in my bra ... again
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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