Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Randomize
