I should be sponsored by Trojan
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
